Hope

Its the only choice this election. (stolen blatantly from www.warrenellis.com)

The Al Jazeera interview

Recently I had the pleasure of doing an interview with the nobility of middle-eastern news-reporting, Al-Jazeera. Due to the fact it had to be removed from circulation thanks to repeated jihads and death-threats to me and my family, I have had to transcribe the interview here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed, erm doing it.

Al-Jazeera: Good Day Mr Downie and thank you for talking with us today.
Seb: Wattup man, are you here for the wasching-machine? The things been giving me no end of troubles since I tried to wash a whole hooker in the fucker.
AJ: No Mr Downie, I am Achmed Muhadjine from Al-Jazeera and we agreed with you earlier this week that we would do an expose on you and your life for our news-channel.
Seb: In that case I better sober up and put on some pants. Want a whiskey?
AJ: No thank you, I don't drink alcohol.
Seb: Oh thats right, a beer it is, hold on.

Seb: Right where were we? Something about weed?
AJ: No, the interview. Please Mr Downie..
Seb: Seb.
AJ: Seb, excuse me. Please cover yourself up. We cannot conduct this interview with you nude.
Seb: Oh right, sorry. My bad. Hold on, there, I'll put the beast back in its cave. Raaarrr
AJ: Thank you. Now, may we begin?
Seb: Shoot. Hahaha, sorry I mean, please, go ahead. I was not implying you were a terrorist or anything.
AJ: Quite. Now lets start at the beginning. You were once heralded as a bright up and coming star in the world of bareback mud-wrestling before a horrific injury ended your career. Would you mind telling us in your own words what happened on that fateful night back in 2004.
Seb: That was a tough night. Maddison Square Gardens, Fight Night. Top billing over Jack Nicholsen vs Ru Paul in a Industrial Deep Fat Fryer. I was scheduled to fight Linda McCartneys corpse, which was cleverly strung up with a system of ropes and pulleys being operated by a screaming skeleton. It was going to be epic. But just as I made my way to the ring, I tripped on a empty bottle of cider and did the splits in the most gruesome fashion. The tearing noise echoed through the stadium and the crowd hushed with a gasp. I knew that moment that my career was over and what it felt like to be a chinese gymnast.
AJ: Some say foul play was involved in the incident. Some conspiracy theorists even pointed fingers at the white house, blaming President Cheesehead for sabotaging the fight.
Seb: You know, we had some "words"about that after the event and when I say "words", I mean we made out on the White House lawn in the moonlight. No, old Cheesehead is no danger to me. Only to himself and world peace. No the fact is, I should have not been drinking martinis all day,
and only have myself to blame. Myself and the fucking immigrants. Dirty fuckers.

AJ: Ah yes, that takes us to our next point. Your misplaced, rampant and much publicised racism and bigotry. You made headlines last month after calling footballing legend Pele a "stupid jew sandwich lover". Which to most people simply does not make any sense.
Seb: What are you saying to me here? You want some of this you jap bastard? I'll Throw you down like a pastrami sandwich if I have to!
AJ: Please Mr Downie, I am just trying to understand.
Seb: I am sorry, it is a disease. A kind of tourettes that manifests itself in nonsensical racism. I get it some times when I've been smoking meth in the morning. You dirty irish anvil.
AJ: Okay... Lets move on then. The gossip magazines have reported seeing you with a string of ugly women by your side in recent months. Are you going to make any of these women an honest woman any time soon?
Seb: Honest? These animals? I would have a better chance trying to teach my dog to play the trombone than make any of these mufters "honest". I do not discuss my private life otherwise, I will only talk in excruciating detail about my sexual liasons. Would you like me to tell you about the time I rimmed a midget at a school play?
AJ: No thank you, I don't think our viewers would be interested in that.
Seb: Well the police sure as fuck were. I can't go back to Vietnam for 25 years!

AJ: Moving on. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
Seb: I would like to go into politics. Or pimping. Or maybe find a way to combine the two. Or I might have died in some dull way. I have asked my people, in the instance of my death, to ensure that I am stripped, bar some pantyhose, have a dildo inserted in my ass, electrified nipple-clamps attached and a rubber ball put in my mouth. I would not want to embaress my parents for having to bury a dull corpse now would we? That or I'll do a spot of fishing in Andorra.
AJ: Okay, to end this interview, we would like to do a game of word-association with you. Are you ready?
Seb: Velocity
AJ: What?
Seb: Where?
AJ: Oh you have already started.
Seb: Hookers
AJ: Let me start you off now:
Seb: Tight jeans
AJ: No Mr Downie, please start with the word 'Bono'.
Seb: Wanker
AJ: Career
Seb: Beer
AJ: Love
Seb: Beer
AJ: Butterfly:
Seb: Beer
AJ: Erm.. Beer
Seb: An accordion filled with eyeballs.
AJ: Ok, I think that should be enough for today, thank you for the interview and we wish you the best.
Seb: Titties.
AJ: Thank you Mr Downie for this insightful interview.
Seb: Oh right yeah, fuck you too. Wanna get kinky?
AJ: Sure why not.

Well folks, I hope you learnt something about life, love and the holocaust, Take care.

Christopher Walken's Three Little Pigs - classic

Thanks for finding this gem Chickyog.

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Someone is not going to see their next birthday if this is going to pan out like I think it will.

Eurovision time is upon us once again

A time during which homosexual men and fuck-wits from the four corners of Europe (and frigging Azerbaijan) gather to pay homage to the worst manufactured pop music around.
It is a despicable event, that is so tacky it makes your teeth rot and fall out of your mouth and into your strawberry daiquiri.

But fret not my brotherly men. Eurovision need not exclude those of us who do not enjoy nieche baltic folk music involving drums made of sheep-testicals while a transvestite screams about her long lost flock of goats. Salvation is at hand!!

Seb Dangerfield Enterprises presents:

The Masculine Eurovision Song Contest Drinking Game TM

You will no longer need to cringe and masturbate yourself into a crying frenzy with this great new game devised by yours truly. Simply follow these simple steps to ensure that every Eurovision event will be even less memorable than ever before!

Step 1. Buy a ton of booze. Or anything else to get you close to killing yourself.

Step 2. Invite some friends (optional)

Step 3. Put on Eurovision song contest on the TV (BBC television is recommended)

Step 4. Follow these rules to ensure your evening is a flaming success!:

The Hosts

-Take a drink whenever either of the co-hosts changes clothes.

-Take a drink whenever either of the co-hosts makes a terribly offensive joke about a rival nation

-Take a drink whenever either of the co-hosts praises its own dictatorship/goes on about how "pretty our hills are compared to their fucking hills"

-Take a drink whenever either of the co-hosts talks about a countries woman-folk and winks.

-Take 2 drinks whenever either of the co-hosts accidentally shows off their genitals to the audience.

-Turn up the volume and take a drink whenever either of the co-hosts accidentally stabs the other with a trident.

by this point you should be on your third bottle of maker's Mark. Stay strong

The "Talent"

-Take a drink when a Scandinavian death metal band appear and sacrifices a goat/virgin/co-host/balkan drummer.

-Take a drink for every big-titted balkan beauty banging a drum.

-Take a drink for every jail-bait russian nymph to be mercilessly dragged onto stage to flash their hairless under-developed bodies while miming to some horrid techno music.

-Take a drink whenever a country has decided to fuck with the whole event by sending what has to be their idea of a joke to the tournament. Usual favourites include Germany, Spain and the UK.

-Take a drink whenever a band sounds like an irish pub-band despite being from the other end of the continent.

The Scoring

-Take a drink whenever a country awards ten points to a neighboring country.

-Take a drink for each resulting sarcastic drunken comment from Terry Wogan.

-Take a drink when Terry decides he's had enough and starts ranting on about how much the entire event is "a joke" and "a set-up".

-Take a drink for every point the UK scores. (least likely)

Pass out.

Wake up remembering nothing of the entire event other than fighting some police-men before being maced.

Any more to add?

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"Callum Ainsworth, 18, of Kilwinning England, will go on trial in August
for, er, pretending to have sex with a car. He has denied a charge of public
indecency. According to the Irvine Times, "he is accused of running along a
street naked, bending over the vehicle and simulating sexual intercourse." Link (via Fortean Times)"

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A man posing as Darth Vader attacked a Star Wars fan who had founded a Jedi
Church, a court has heard.
Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, from Holyhead, Anglesey, admitted assaulting Barney Jones and cousin Michael with a metal crutch.
They suffered minor injuries.
Hughes, who was drunk and dressed in a black bin bag, shouted "Darth Vader!"